I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
