Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
