so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
