God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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