you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
