My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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