just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
