Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
