Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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