Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
