dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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