what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
