You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Say something about gay babies.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize