I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
