so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize