After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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