Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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