That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
