yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
