I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
