I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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