Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
