Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
