dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
