So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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