new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
