Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
