Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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