I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
