Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
