I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
