Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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