I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
