Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have fence marks all over my body
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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