fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
