Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
