One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
