I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
