I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
