my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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