Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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