Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
