Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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