Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
