you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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