Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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