Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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