I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
