I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
