Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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