the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Even my vagina gasped.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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