This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
