my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
